Dear WhoRuBlog Readers,

It’s been an amazing first year for WhoRuBlog with over 4100 hits  - no advertising – no sponsors – just fantastic supporters and loyal readers from Twitter, Facebook, and Goodreads, and the worldwide web.  I have deeply appreciated your insightful comments, RT, and re-posting of my blog pieces on MySpace and Facebook pages, and other blogs.  It’s been thrilling to track them down and find people all over the world who have linked or posted a piece!  Wow.  To my guest bloggers and the wonderful YA authors who I have been fortunate to interview – thank you!  You are fabulous role models and I feel honored to have you on WhoRuBlog.  A special thank you to my elder son, Justin, who has taught me a lot and set up this blog for me.

Most all, I want to thank all the young adults who have shared their personal stories (many anonymously) with me.  You know who you are and I am deeply indebted to you for your insight, stories, and guidance.

I have high expectations for WhoRuBlog – more tough issues, more incredible and insightful interviews with outstanding YA authors, more role models who inspire.  On a personal level, I have hopes and dreams that I pray will come true in the not-so-distant future.  I am working hard to make them happen, and G-d willing they will.

So please celebrate with me.  Enter my random drawing giveaway in honor of my first year anniversary and you will have a chance to win a $20.00 gift certificate to Amazon.com (If I reach 50 comments, I will offer two separate $20.00 Amazon.com certificates.  Help me reach this goal!) Giveaway ends:  Sunday, August 1, 2010 8 PM CST and open to individuals in the US and Canada.  JUST ADDED:  If I reach 35 comments (my teen boys’ ages added together) I will have a drawing for one lucky winner to receive a copy of a  favorite YA novel (read between 7-’09 – 7-’10) PERFECT CHEMISTRY, by Simone Elkeles – take a look at page on the left for Favorite teen/YA novels.

Answer the following question:

WHAT’S YOUR BEST ADVICE FOR YOUNG ADULTS?

Please include your name, location, email, and age - if you don’t want your full name listed, please let me know and I will only post your first name!  (E-mail address will not be listed for others to see & will not be used for anything but notification if you are the giveaway winner.)

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STEP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE

Some Risks Are Worth It!

By Jeremy West, Age 19

Jeremy West

When I was sixteen, I learned the value of stepping out of my comfort zone.  I had spent the majority of my life in Anderson, SC going to school, hanging with friends, playing soccer.  So when a teacher at my high school presented the opportunity to travel to China as a foreign exchange student, I wanted the adventure, and so did my friends.  We had seven months to prepare.

But there were obstacles.  Money was one – the trip would cost $2300 for two weeks.  That would have been a big enough reason not to go, especially when you don’t have parents handing over the cash.  If only it were that simple.  The greater challenge was mental.  The teacher had told us that traveling to China would not be easy.  He told us that the food would be unlike anything we had ever tasted, that we would see extreme poverty, and that we would walk most places, so being in top physical shape was crucial. In other words, it was not going to be a vacation.  This was going to be a hardcore trip.

I started fundraising for the trip, working at school to pay for the plane ticket.  Family and family friends also helped out, which I deeply appreciated.  Unfortunately, every one of my friends decided not to go.  Sure, there were other kids from my school who committed to the program, but without my closest friends, I knew the experience would be harder.

The idea of leaving America was unsettling.  I had never left the country let alone faced an eighteen-hour flight around the globe, which was how long it took to reach Beijing, China. To say I was stepping outside of my comfort zone is a super understatement!

Upon arriving in China, I immediately became the minority surrounded by millions of people who spoke only Mandarin, not English. That was one of the scariest parts of the experience – not speaking or understanding the language.  The people stared at me as I walked down the street. They took pictures of me, and with me. Beijing was a nice city in comparison to the majority of cities in China, though it still had smog, litter, disease, and crime.

It wasn’t until I went inside the heart of the country that I truly realized that I had stepped into a whole different world, one of extreme poverty. I went from the grandeur of the Great Wall to the dirty rice fields of inner China. These people had nothing! I felt true compassion for the first time in my life. I had left my comfort zone so far away, and I didn’t even miss it. Sure, I missed a home cooked meal, but my eyes and taste buds were exposed to something completely out of my comfort zone, and I soaked it up.

At one point we traveled by mamu (a taxi cab, which is a motorbike with a cart) to a middle school – grades 7-9.  We had printed cards with the address of our destination so that the driver knew where to take us.  Some students from our group got lost and ended up arriving at our destination much later than expected, a frightening experience to say the least (some were even in tears). The school we visited was different from anything I have heard of or experience in America.  It was a boarding school with thirty-five hundred students.  There was no air conditioning, we were told not to even step into the bathrooms because they were revolting, and the English class we attended was crammed with fifty or sixty kids in a room way too small for that number of students.  They attended school from eight in the morning until seven at night with a two-hour mid-afternoon break for naptime.  Each day, from 7:30 until 8:00 A.M., the students were outside on their school field doing tai chi.

Food was definitely an issue.  Some kids hardly ate anything during the trip, but I am one to try new things, including fish heads, scorpion, squid,octopus, and even snake.  We stayed in a real nasty hotel – there wasn’t a vacuum cleaner in the entire place, we always walked with our shoes on, and bugs were crawling everywhere, even the beds.

If I had the choice to take that trip again, I would pack my bags and go immediately. Life is all about experiences. We learn through making decisions.  From those decisions come experiences, and from experiences we can learn how to step outside our comfort zone. The comfort zone constrains us, while leaving that place of comfort defines us.  My trip to China was definitely one of the most defining moments of my life, and I hope it inspires others to step out of their comfort zones.

While at first I was constrained by fears of all these things I had heard about China, ultimately I wanted to experience it for myself to know the truth. The experience changed me, changed my perspective on the world.  I had never seen so much poverty in a nation, except for on TV, and experiencing it touched me in a much more personal way than seeing it on TV.

Renowned video game developer Steven Coallier once said, “Attack life, it’s going to kill you anyway.” He couldn’t be more right! Life is about experiencing all that you can, but if you are held back by your fears then you will stay stuck inside of your comfort zone forever. It takes true courage to take that leap, but once you do you’ll never look back and miss it.

Before I left for China, I was perfectly content  staying where I was.  There was no reason for me to go on that trip other than the desire to leave my comfort zone and experience all the differences that China had to offer. I ate some of the grossest (and best) food I’ve ever tasted. I made friendships that will last forever. And most of all, I kicked my comfort zone to the curb, and now try to live every moment as if it were my last. I am more willing to help others, more up for personal challenges and try new things.

All of life’s experiences, whether good or bad, define who you are. Challenge yourself – completely revolutionize your future. It doesn’t have to be by traveling to China, though I recommend it!  You could challenge yourself by taking a harder course in school or not smoking dope when everyone else is doing it.  Desire to have more, do more, and see yourself as someone who can be different by stepping out of your comfort zone.  If I had passed up this opportunity to go to China, I don’t know if it would ever have come up again.  One thing is for sure, my life would not be the same.

“Be brave. Take risks. Nothing can substitute experience.” – Paulo Coelho, Brazilian novelist and lyricist

About Jeremy West: Jeremy is a student at Full Sail University in Orlando, FL studying film.  He’s a photographer, writer, designer, and Apple computer lover.  His blog, NOVEL THOUGHTS, is another way he shares his creative side with the world – reviewing YA novels, interviewing authors, and providing cool opportunities to win awesome giveaways.  Find Jeremy through his blog at  www.novelthoughtsblog.com

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Tension. Opposites. Friendship.

Kristina McBride

Kristina McBride, author of The Tension of Opposites, understands that in every relationship there are complicated layers.  Loyalty and love. Fear and insecurity.  Now imagine that your best friend vanishes most likely kidnapped with no leads and the strong possibility that she may be dead.

Kristina has done a masterful job of weaving the story of Elle – a teen who returns home to her family and best friend Tessa two years after her abduction by a pedophile – with the complications of friendship and relationships.  Imagine separated hands – one represents friendship, and the other the kidnapping and safe return of your BFF.  Now weave the fingers together.  This is precisely how Kristina integrates these two different ideas to create an amazing YA novel.

This interview focuses on friendship, what we can learn about ourselves from the people we hang with, and a special rule that Kristina uses, which can help us decide if the people in our lives are good for us.  To enter a drawing for a signed copy of The Tension of Opposites please see instructions below.

Q:  What qualities do you believe are necessary for a true and meaningful friendship?

A:  Any type of relationship is difficult unless you can be a friend to yourself first. That might sound cheesy or cliché, but it’s true. You must listen to your inner thoughts and not go against that little voice inside your head. It also is essential that you feel appreciation for who you are as a person. I was so shy and unsure of myself when I was in high school, and even into college. One thing that helped me appreciate who I am was looking at myself through the eyes of my best friends. I always thought my closest friends were pretty cool, so if they liked me maybe I was okay. If you can’t learn to appreciate yourself you’ll begin comparing yourself to others, resenting others, and become an all around sticky mess. It took me a VERY long time to get to the point where I loved myself as much as I love my friends.  That’s the goal to strive for. When you get there, you’ll feel a freedom unlike anything you’ve ever known. You’ll stop feeling afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. You’ll automatically hang around people who accept you for who you are because you’re not so busy trying to be whatever it is you think they want you to be. And you’ll have a much better life because of it!

Beyond this, I think friends must share common ground, a sense of safety (including honesty and respect), and tons of laughter.

Q:  Do your main characters, Tessa and Elle, possess these characteristics, or is one friend more loyal than another?  How does this friendship work?

A:  I believe that Elle is so broken after spending two years with her kidnapper that she can’t be much of anything to anyone when the book begins. Tessa is fiercely loyal and protective – to a fault actually. She lets her relationship with Elle become too much of a driving factor in her own life. This friendship is difficult because there is no balance. Tessa has to give and be understanding, even as she’s hurt by this new version of her friend.

The reason this friendship works is that Tessa is so loyal and patient. Tessa feels that if she gives Elle enough time, she’ll come around.  Not too many people could have that kind of patience or devotion to another person, and that’s definitely admirable.  If it had not been for the kidnapping, Elle’s behavior as a so-called friend would be inexcusable and Tessa should give up her quest to have Elle in her life.  It’s Tessa’s loyalty, however, that helps Elle find her footing again.  I appreciate the journey these two friends take together.

The lack of balance we see between Tessa and Elle is evident in many types of relationships. There is a natural sway of give and take in some relationships that last for a long period of time.  You must, however, be sure that the sway is there – that one person isn’t constantly giving while the other is constantly taking.

Q:  Many YA go from relationship to relationship or hook up to hook up.  Often these experiences result in pain.  Other than the possibility of sexual gratification, what is it that a YA is looking for and how can s/he find it?

A:  I believe that this goes back to my statement that you first must be a true friend to yourself. You have to protect yourself and respect yourself in the same manner you do your best friend.

We’re all searching for the people we can be our true selves with and not worry about judgment, right? That was my struggle as I made my way from young adulthood to adulthood. I learned that I have some incredible friends who will stick by my side through anything, others who kind of flit in and out of my life, and yet others who I cannot trust at all.  Look at the people who come into your life as if you’re “dating.” Ask yourself the following: “Do I want this person in my life? Does this person make me feel positive and bring out the best in me?” If the answer to either question is no, then you give yourself permission to “break up” with the people who are not healthy energies in your life. If you can understand that most people will not stay in your life forever, if you take from each person what you can to make yourself a better person, there won’t be so much pain as you move through the important relationships in your life.

I think if I had to do it all over again, I’d just chill out a bit and realize that it’s all a process. It would have been so much easier early in life if someone had spelled it out for me by explaining the following:  This is the way life goes – you meet people – some stay in your life and others go. It’s okay no matter what happens with each person because you’ll always have you. You’ll figure out who’s important to your journey and who isn’t as you move forward.

Q:  Guys and girls often find that girlfriends/boyfriends interfere with their other friendships or with schoolwork/sports.  This tension leads to breakups.  Why is that, and how can YA deal with these situations?

A:  DRAMA! I was a very intense high-schooler and I played into the whole relationship game too much. I have learned something VERY important about relationships. It’s the 90/10 Rule, and I live by it. Here’s how it works: If you’re not having fun and feeling good about yourself 90% of the time you’re with the wrong person (whether it’s a friendship or a romantic relationship), stop hanging out with them. You can do this gradually by pulling away, or make it a clean break. There are a zillion people for you to spend your time with, and you shouldn’t waste a minute of your life with anyone who doesn’t make you feel good about yourself. Ever.

It was a huge “Ah-Ha!” moment for me when I realized that though a breakup (with a friend or boyfriend) might stink, it was happening for a reason. I learned to allow myself a few days to feel depressed if I needed it because I had to honor my feelings.  Then I found something to help me move on – like an art class – something special just for me.

Q:  When you think of Max and Tessa, what is it about their relationship that clicks?

A:  I believe that the relationship between Tessa and Max works because there is a mutual respect and compassion between them. (Okay, Max might have to take more weight in this because of all the issues Tessa is going through with Elle.) It’s important to be able to put yourself in another person’s situation, and to treat them kindly based on their individual situation. But you have to create boundaries and not allow anyone to cross them. Tessa certainly tests Max’s limits, and she’s not sure if or how long he’ll stick around. (You’ll have to read the book to find out what happens between them!)

Q:  Looking at your own high school years and the friendships that worked and didn’t work, please share a story or two about the lessons you learned from those relationships.

A:  I’ve already talked about my 90/10 Rule, which I have had to put into effect for several relationships in my adult life. I’m not talking about bad people, just people that didn’t make me feel positive about myself and what I was thinking/saying when I was around them. I only wish I’d lived by this rule when I was in high school.

The most important thing I have learned is that the only person who will be with me every second of my life is me. I have to be true to myself first and foremost, and the rest will fall into place. I spent a lot of time being afraid of what others think about me, and it’s the coolest thing to be able to say, “This is me, and I’m not ashamed of any part of me. If someone likes me – cool. If not – that’s okay too.” This is much easier said than done!! especially as I move into the public eye with the publication of my book!  I just take a deep breath and remind myself that it’s all about my perspective. I do my best to stay positive.

Q:  With the easy and fast-paced access to information today via such communication modes as e-mail, texting, Facebook, and Twitter what do YA need to know in order to build positive friendships/relationships?

A:  Be careful.  Don’t throw something out there that could be hurtful to someone, because it’s not worth it and you’ll never be able to take it back. Be the person you want others to remember later in life. Think about your actions and their consequences. Above all, strive to be kind in every situation. That’s what it’s really all about.

There are many lessons readers can take away from the relationships in The Tension of Opposites.  What have been the most powerful for you and why? I’ll take this full circle and end where I began. It’s essential to build a positive relationship with yourself. You must learn to be comfortable with you – all of you – even the stuff that’s not so great. If you can do this, you’ll learn to open up, as Tessa struggles to do throughout the story, and the rewards will be plentiful!

To enter the drawing for a signed copy of The Tension of Opposites please do one of the following under comments:

1. Share your thoughts about this blog piece.
2. Share your ideas on what makes a person a true and loyal friend.
3. Share a short story of friendship.
4. Retweet this blog piece on Twitter and/or put a link on Facebook.  (Please let me know that you’ve done this by providing the Facebook link or add @LizaWiemer on Twitter.)

Entries for this drawing will close on July 1, 2010 at 8:00 PM CST and are open to individuals in the United States and Canada.

To learn more about Kristina McBride please see her website:  www.KristinaMcBride.com.  For more information from the publisher go to: http://tinyurl.com/24ceaus To order or read reviews of The Tension of Opposites check out Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/2bgbfb2 The book also is available at any bookstore near you.

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If you seriously believe that anything you put on Facebook is private, you’re living on a different planet.  Facebook and any other form of social media

The best place for secrets might be with "people" who can't share them!

communication and even e-mails are not private.  Just ask all those CEOs whose e-mails have been subpoenaed for court cases or the teens who threatened to harm someone at school – their computers were seized.  (Or their cell phones! Watch those text messages.)  You may not be doing anything criminal, but you’re leaving a trail that may affect you for a very long time.

Privacy settings are a joke.  Anything you think is private can be copied, pasted, and shared with the world.  Yeah, I am seriously suggesting that you don’t trust any system on the Internet or the people with whom you are communicating with to keep your words or photos private.  In other words, be careful, very careful.  You post it, it’s public.  Period!

Many thanks to the many teens who shared their Facebook nightmare stories with me.  I invite you to share your stories with me too.

Don’t:

1. post things in anger or frustration.

Don’t ditz people, call them names, or use obscenities toward another person.  Sarah told me that after she broke up with her boyfriend, he posted nasty things about her on Facebook.  He called her a b-tch and some of his friends commented on his remarks, noting that she was a whore, among other things.  Sarah was so upset that she had a full-blown panic attack, including rapid breathing, a racing heart, and she said her hands went numb.  Her girlfriends were seconds away from calling 911, but managed to calm her down.  What ever happened to ‘Do onto others as you would want done to you?’

2. post embarrassing photographs of anyone.

This is a common example that I heard from several young adults – friends were drunk or doing drugs and someone photographed it.  You need to know that if you’re participating in underage drinking or illegal drug use, there is a chance that one of your so-called friends might photograph you with their cell phone camera.  He may not even think that it’s a big deal, that it’s actually funny! A nineteen-year-old girl explained that a friend of hers flashed her chest to some guys after a drinking binge.  One of the guys posted it on Facebook and the girl was deeply embarrassed by her actions.  Since she didn’t post the photo, she couldn’t remove it.  Finally, she convinced the guy to take it down, but not before his friends got a good look at her D cup.  Do you want your potential employers seeing this?  Friends?  Family?  Teachers?  Clergy?  It’s even possible that your photo will get used without your permission on other sites, and you may not even know it!  What started as a so-called joke can be turned into a personal nightmare.  Totally not cool!

3. post information that you don’t want revealed to world.

Tal told me about two – yes – two friends of hers that put on their status that they are gay.  Neither one of these young men had told their parents or their siblings.  Neither guy had friended their family members, so they thought that the information was private.  Hah!  Not at all shocking to find out that through the grapevine the information was leaked and the parents learned this important news by one of the friends.  What hurt the families the most was not that they found out that their sons/brothers were gay, but that everyone else knew about it before them.

4. share your deepest secrets in an IM on Facebook or any other written form of communication.

This type of correspondence can be copied and shared.  You have something you need to confess, then communicate in person or over the telephone.  Beth told her so-called best friend, Lacy, about her first sexual experience.  Lacy thought Beth’s description was humorous and shared it with her friends in her sorority.  Beth found out and needless to say, Beth and Lacy are no longer speaking to each other.  Lacy later told me that she wished that she had thought about it first, but didn’t.  If she had, she never would have showed Beth’s IM to others.

5. announce major life events before sharing them with the most important people in your life.

Danny told me that a friend announced that she accepted a spot at a university without telling her immediate family, including her parents.  Imagine their surprise when people started offering their congratulations via e-mail and IM.  The senior was so excited that she posted it on Facebook, but neglected to share the information with some of the most important people in her life.  Needless to say, they were a little upset that “they were the last to know.”  This rule also can be applied for happy news such as engagements, births etc.  Because social networking is instantaneous information, tell the people who are important to you first and ask others to wait a few hours before announcing the news to the world.  That way you can have the opportunity to share the good news with the people who are most important to you.

6. break up with someone, or quit a job or team via Facebook.

Have the guts to communicate directly with the individual, instead of using Facebook, e-mail, or texting as a means of getting out of a relationship, job, or team.  It’s so totally not okay.  At the very least, pick up the phone and have the guts to be honest with the other person/people involved.

7.  push the publish or send button until you double check who will be receiving the message.

Have you accidently sent a note on Facebook to the wrong person?  It happens every day!  Randi told me that she had this situation happen via text messaging.  A friend sent her a scathing text, which was extremely hurtful.  In the message she was called all sorts of names and said that she couldn’t be trusted.  It turned out that the text was intended for the girl’s boyfriend and not Randi.  In the end the girl was relieved and grateful that Randi saw it, and not her boyfriend because an hour later she felt differently about the situation.  As my other half says, “Let cooler heads prevail!”

Facebook and other social networking systems are fabulous ways to communicate instantaneously.  I love reconnecting with people I haven’t seen in ages and staying in touch with family and friends.  But with it comes tremendous responsibility.  Don’t let it be a substitute for face-to-face communication, especially for the important matters in life.  We need to talk through issues, be honest and direct.  Somehow, we’ve diminished this form of connecting with others.  Don’t let it become a way to embarrass or to hurt others.  Most importantly, never forget that the only way to guarantee that something remains private is not to share it!

Check out this powerful YouTube video that clearly illustrates how posting photographs on Facebook are never private:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ja8xtQNQYDQ&feature=youtube_gdata

This post was included in "Classroom Talk" - a blog by Maggie Cary -  http://bit.ly/2i1fc

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Extraordinary Author Jennifer Brown

It is with tremendous gratitude and admiration that I share with my readers this incredible interview with Jennifer Brown, author of one of the most powerful books I have ever read, Hate List. There are many fine YA novels on the market, but only a few have the ability to impact the reader in such a emotional and visceral manner.  Hate List, in my opinion is a must read for every teen, teacher, and parent.  It shows the fragile line between being bullied and bullies and the horrendous consquences that can occur when an individual has had too much or has been pushed over the edge. Personally, I believe that Hate List should be required reading for middle school and high school students. To see reviews or for more information here’s the link to Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/y9a8m5w or Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6316171-hate-list AT THE END OF THIS INTERVIEW ARE FIVE WAYS TO WIN AN AUTOGRAPHED COPY OF HATE LIST!  Please enter!

Q:  As the reader, I went through an array of powerful emotions reading Hate List. What was the emotional experience like for you as you wrote the novel, especially since characters live and breathe for the author?

A:  At times it was a bit tough. I was, in some ways, reliving some of the things that happened to me in school, and that brought back emotions that I hadn’t felt in a long time. But fortunately, I also write humor, and having my weekly column was very helpful in getting me out of somber mode and into a lighter state of mind at least one day every week.

Q:  Have you personally experienced violence or bullying?  If so, how did the experience impact your life and influence writing Hate List?

A:  Yes, I was bullied in junior high and part of high school. It very much influenced who I became as a person. Other than being tripped in a crowded lunch room and receiving threats that I was going to be beat up, I wouldn’t say I was a victim of violence, really. More, the bullying I endured was along the lines of rumors, gossip, and “mean girl” stuff. What happened to me did impact not only the writing of Hate List (in fact, some of the bullying scenes are very similar to things that happened to me), but have impacted my life in that I now have a means to reach out to students and talk to them about bullying. That is very important to me. Nobody should have to go through what I went through, and I know that what I went through was nothing compared to what some kids out there are going through.

Q:  Since Hate List came out on the market, what has surprised you the most?  Readers?  Reviews?  Reactions?  Something in the story you would have changed or perceived differently?

A:  Librarians. I have been the most surprised by librarians. I mean, I’ve always had a love for libraries, but I never, until now, realized how passionate

Hate List, by Jennifer Brown

librarians can be — not only about reading, but about sharing books with readers. I’ve visited a lot of schools since Hate List came out, and am always just… floored and fascinated… at how the librarians are the heartbeat of the school. They know all the kids. They know who needs to hear my message the most. And they get so excited about sharing a good book with “just the right student.” Librarians rule!

Q:  If there were anything that you could have said to Nick and/or Valerie to have prevented the tragedy, what would it have been?

A:  It gets better. It does. If you can just hang on and get through this bad time… life gets so much better. You will graduate and leave these mean people behind and will never, ever have to see them again.

Q:  We’ve all heard the verbiage, History repeats itself.  How do you think our society can reduce or prevent the violence you describe in Hate List?

A:  I wish I knew how to make it stop! But the best I can say is… keep talking about it. The more we talk about it, the more we learn how to make it better, no matter what the problem is. Talk to your kids about it. Talk to your students about it. Talk to each other about it. And encourage the young adults in your life to be nice, to be responsible. The best way to do this, by the way, is by modeling nice behavior. There are so many adult bullies out there — all you have to do is check out comments on any given message board or blog site… or watch some reality TV… to see that.

You know, one thing that continually amazes me is how many people really only think bullying is bullying if someone is physically harmed. But that’s just not true. Rumors are bullying. Gossip is bullying. Keeping someone out of a group is bullying. Teasing (and taking it too far, or teasing in a mean way) is bullying. Saying bad things about someone on your Facebook page is bullying, even if you think they’ll never see it (trust me, they’ll hear about it).

And, finally, talk to someone if you’re the victim of bullying. Go to an adult who can help you. You shouldn’t be keeping miserable and lonely and sad feelings to yourself.

Q:  Please share an experience that deeply moved you since Hate List was published.

A:  I was visiting some schools in a city about 2 hours away from where I live. I had a packed schedule, and barely had breathing room. But I received an email from a principal of a local alternative school in the area, asking if I could please squeeze in 20 or 30 minutes at their school while I was in town. She was so passionate about getting me there, I agreed to do it, even though it meant I was going to have to really fly to make my next school visit. I got to the school and found out that I was the first visiting author that the school had ever had. Ever! The students were so attentive and wonderful, and the teachers so appreciative that I would talk to them. After my visit, I received an email that the students had decided to create a student-led book club, and that their first club read was going to be Hate List.

Q:  What advice do you have for middle school and high school students who have been bullied?

A:  Go to your school counselor and ask for help. Bullying does tend to stop if an adult who knows what they’re doing confronts it head-on. If your counselor isn’t helping, keep talking. Talk to teachers, talk to administrators, talk to your parents. Eventually, someone will help you.

Q:  In Hate List the lines blur for many of the characters.  For example – Valerie and Nick are being bullied, but also are perceived as bullies.  They are hateful and loving.  We also might say that Valerie and Jessica are victims, perpetrators, and saviors.  You did a phenomenal job of showing different sides to many of the characters.  What overall message do you feel is important for the reader to take away from your portrayals?

A:  That you are not only your reputation, so why should anyone else be only theirs? We are all human. We are all flawed. And we are all complex. It’s so easy to “hate” someone you don’t really know, based on something you’ve heard about them, or the first impression they gave, or whatever. Valerie’s main goal in Hate List is to “see what’s really there.” I’d like my readers to do that as well. See people for who they really are.

Q: As the mother of three children, what life lessons do you hope to impart to them?  (They do not necessarily have to relate specifically to Hate List.)

A:  Oh, so many! I want them to be caring people. I want them to see that their actions do matter in this world. And I want them to follow their dreams, whatever those dreams may be. I want them to know that they can accomplish anything they set their mind to. And I want them to always come home for Christmas, even if they live far away.

CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED – WINNER HAS BEEN ANNOUNCED AND AM WAITING FOR RESPONSE.  THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO SENT IN COMMENTS AND POSTED THE LINKS!

Readers may find up-to-date information about Jennifer Brown and read her blog on her website: http://www.jenniferbrownya.com/

Enter to win an AUTOGRAPHED copy of Hate List by choosing any one of the following:

1. Leave a comment about how bullying has impacted your life, or the life of someone you know.

2.  Explain why you would like a copy of this book.

3.  Ideas you have to put an end  to bullying.

4.  General comments about this blog piece.

5.  Add a link to this blog piece on your website, Twitter it, or post a link on your Facebook or MySpace page. (Please list it.)

A winner will be selected randomly and is open to individuals in the United States or Canada.  Deadline is May 20, 2010

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Beauty is not only skin-deep. We’ve all heard it, and many believe it.  Some, however, are so focused on the body that they’ll do anything to alter their appearance.

My eighth grade photo.

It’s what drives many to cosmetic surgeons.

So, I confess.  The summer between eighth grade and high school I had a nose job!  Yes, it’s true.  I didn’t like my nose.

I despised what I saw in the mirror.  I didn’t see my beautiful brown eyes, the flawless olive skin (which is huge at any age), or my big, bright smile.   It was the NOSE!  There was a huge lump in the middle – but it wasn’t all genetics.  I was a certified klutz and broke it seven times.  Yup, you read that correctly – 7x!

Ice skating and bicycling were my two most dangerous sports.  (Actually, they were my only athletic activities – except gym class, which I dreaded!) Once, I decided to see what it would be like to close my eyes while riding my bike down a hilly street.  I know, it wasn’t the brightest idea I ever had, but hey, I was eight years old.  I ended up smashing into a tree.  I also flew off my bike several times, ‘cause as a lefty I had a tendency to grab my left hand break, which stopped the front tire.  This didn’t stop me from riding my bike, though.  I had a tendency to pedal my ten-speed without holding onto the handlebars.  Once, riding without hands, I hit a patch of gravel and ended up flying into a ditch.  I left my bike and walked to a friend’s home and by the time I got to her house the entire block was swarming with police.  Someone had seen me walking and thought I had been beaten up.  At our local outdoor neighborhood ice-skating rink, it didn’t take much before I’d end up flat on my face.

My septum was so deviated that I could barely breathe.  Sometimes I’d wake up gasping and coughing to catch my breath because my throat was as dry as burnt toast and constricted like someone was choking me.  Allergies didn’t help.

My high school graduation photo.

So, my parents found a plastic surgeon who would repair my nose.  Because of the damage it wasn’t such an easy surgery.  It took much longer than expected and for about a half-hour, I was semi-conscious and I could feel what was happening too.  There had been a reason, something about the amount of numbing medication… It’s hazy now.

During recovery I spent a lot of time with a bag of frozen peas on my face to reduce the swelling and bruising.  It helped.  I’m certain I was on pain meds, but I have no recollection of what I took, ‘cause I slept a lot.

I love my nose, mostly because breathing is a necessity of life.  No one has ever walked up to me and said, “Wow, you’ve got a perfect nose.”  It just fits my face and that’s the way it should be.  Breathing is important – duh, but having the rhinoplasty also impacted my self-esteem.  I stopped focusing on my nose every time I looked in the mirror and the difference wasn’t so dramatic that others noticed.  Perhaps having the surgery over the summer made a difference.

I’m no super model and I certainly don’t think I’m a beauty.  I’ve got a tummy that sticks out and even when I weighed a mere 92 lbs people would ask when the baby was due.  (GAH! Never ask a woman that!)  But I do appreciate the fact that I’m imperfectly perfect – flaws and all – doing everything I can to utilize my talents to make a difference.

The following story, in my opinion, shows the essence of true beauty.  Over winter break I walked into a hip and trendy store to buy a pair of UGG boots.  I was the only customer.  A gorgeous blond young woman eventually came up to me after finishing her conversation with a co-worker.  Within two seconds she had weighed and measured me – figuratively – and I guess I didn’t pass with my paint stained top and jean skirt.  “Do you have this in a size six in black?” I asked, pointing to a pair of boots.

“No,” she replied curtly.

“How about these?” I asked, pointing to a different pair.

“No,” she said again.

“Will you be getting a shipment in?”

“No.”

“Okay,” I said.  “Is there any other place that might sell them?”

“Not around here,” she replied with her attitude.

I walked out truly disappointed, but mostly because this absolutely stunning YA was so incredibly unpleasant to be around that she actually was UGLY!

A few weeks later, I still really wanted to buy the boots.  This time, I called the store before venturing in.  A man answered and I inquired about their stock.  Sure enough, they had several UGG styles in my size and color selections.  I was excited, but dreaded the idea of facing that girl again.  So I listened to my gut and asked if he owned the store.  He said that his family did.  I boldly decided to share my experience with the man, describing what happened and exactly what the girl looked like.  “She’s gorgeous,” I said.  “Thin with blond, curly, long hair.”

“I know who you’re talking about,” he said.

“I hope she’s not family?”

“No, and we’ve had to speak with her before about her attitude.  I’m really glad you told me about this.”

Within a half hour I was paying for the new pair of UGG boots that were happily on my toasty warm feet.

“You know,” I said to the pleasant, handsome young man behind the counter – the one with whom I had spoken to on the phone and the one who went out of his way to help me – “it doesn’t matter how beautiful you are on the outside, if you’re ugly on the inside.  Then, the way you look hardly matters.”

“You’re absolutely right,” he said.  “I hope that message will sink in.”

I wonder how long it took the beautiful blond to find another job?  I hope she learned a valuable lesson.

I may have a perfect nose – but what’s most important is who I am as a person.  Kind words and generous actions have tremendous meaning.  I hope to be judged by those things.  You don’t have to go under the knife or be stick-thin to be beautiful.  If you judge people by appearance alone, then you’re missing the very best of what a human being can be.   Appearances can never truly make a person happy.  Ask anyone who wants meaning and love in his life what the most important values he seeks in another person and I’d bet that looks don’t make the top three.  Why?  Because looks are not a personality trait.  So give it a try.  Ask someone to write down a list of five values he seeks in another person and see if looks are one of the top three.  I’d really like to know.

Oh, and you might be wondering if I ever broke my nose again.  Yup, four weeks after the surgery I was riding my bike, not paying attention, and I flew off my handlebars and broke my nose.  The plastic surgeon reset it carefully and I healed completely.  You might be wondering if I still ride a bike…  Well, I’m not telling, but I’ll give you a hint:  My nose is perfectly intact!

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The Lenses We See Through Might Leave Us Blind To What's Around Us

There are people in this world that just get under my skin.  You know… grrrrr, the proverbial experience of nails trailing down a chalkboard – highly grating and definitely frustrating.*  I’m certain there are people who feel the same way about me.

But here’s something very important for all of us to remember.

We all come to each and EVERY moment looking through different lenses.  Every experience is filtered – our perceptions, reactions, beliefs all stem from our experiences.  Situations that occur in our lives are based on those filters.

Filters are:

1. Our childhood – the awesome, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
2. Where we live and with whom we connect with every day and how these connections affect us.
3. Our intimate experiences – and I’m not just talking about sex!
4. Our friends/co-workers/teachers.
5. The barriers we face – fear, lack of faith, lack of trust, low self-esteem, self-centeredness:  http://www.whorublog.com/?cat=7
6. What we know – and I’m not just talking book-smarts.
7. What we don’t know.

When we become aware of our filters, it becomes easier to ask questions, questions that we may not have readily known to ask because we are only looking through our “lenses.”  Sometimes we have to look deeply at what we perceive and why we react so strongly.

Imagine this post on Facebook:

Party at Ron’s house, Friday night 8 PM – NO LOSERS – that means you Maxine!

How does this affect you?  Does it make you angry?  Sad?  Does it make you laugh?  Is it no big deal?  Does it make you feel sick to your stomach? Would you go to the party?  Would you stay home or still go out, but not to the party?  -  What experiences have you had that makes you react the way you do to this post?

What if you hated** Maxine?  What if Maxine was your BFF?  What if your BFF hates Maxine, and you have no idea why – you just go along with it?  What if Maxine just broke up with Ron?  What if you are Maxine?

What are your lenses that have shaped you to see the world as you see it or react the way you react to a situation or to behave in a certain way – good or bad?  Once you know, then the next time you feel like a complete idiot or you get upset or make fun of someone else or continue to make the same mistake over and over again, or on the flip side you stick up for someone or you say no when you feel pressured to say yes, realize what lenses you came to the experience with and how those lenses have shaped you.  And hopefully, you would never, ever post something that would be hurtful or interpreted in away that causes another person pain – cause those lenses are ones no one should ever have to look through.

If you don’t like what you’re seeing through your lenses, the way you react, or the way you treat others or how they treat you, then recognize that it’s time for a new prescription.  Ultimately, you’re the optometrist!

*Though I might feel frustrated with someone, it doesn’t mean that it isn’t MY issue.  Most circumstances relate to how someone is treating a child or a peer!  I just can’t stand it when someone is horrible to another person!

**Hate is a very strong word, and I don’t use it lightly.  If you despise someone soooo much that you would act in a hurtful way toward another, please stop.  Think about it.  Hatred is always a vicious cycle.  No one ever wins.  It is a painful, destructive emotion that needs to be transformed.  It’s perfectly normal not to get along with everyone.  But targeting someone and justifying it is never okay!  There is always a price.  It could be someone’s life, it could be someone’s freedom, or self-esteem.  Hatred – anger – destruction.  That is not who you want to be!

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I personally know three young women, teenagers actually, who have been raped.

Each knew the perpetrator.

Only one involved alcohol.  Poor judgment – yes.  But to say that a young woman has no right to “cry date rape after you sober up the next morning” is ridiculous.  This is what American University’s Alex Knepper said in his controversial article published in AU’s The Eagle, titled Dealing with AU’s Anti-Sex Brigade.

Let’s get this straight: any woman who heads to an EI party as an anonymous onlooker, drinks five cups of the jungle juice, and walks back to a boy’s room with him is indicating that she wants sex, OK? To cry “date rape” after you sober up the next morning and regret the incident is the equivalent of pulling a gun to someone’s head and then later claiming that you didn’t ever actually intend to pull the trigger.

To see the full article, click here:  http://tinyurl.com/ycnup39

Alex Knepper is an articulate young man.  Few would want to face him on an opposing debate team…  He has a way of twisting words to make what he is really saying into something else, and I think most people would have a tough time arguing against his points.  This doesn’t mean that he is right.  Not even close.  He responded on national TV, addressing the firestorm of controversy.  See the following video of how, in my opinion, he twists his written comments to justify his words:

Watch CBS News Videos Online

It is absolutely ridiculous that Knepper asserts that a female who goes back to a guy’s room is “indicating” that  she is interested in having sex.  He stated in his TV interview that he said “indicating” because “men cannot know what women don’t tell them” and “at anytime a woman can say no.”  “At that point it constitutes rape.”

Many of these sexual encounters don’t take place in someone’s bedroom.  Sadly, these events are often public displays.  If a girl is so drunk, does she even know where she is?

Another obvious problem with Knepper’s statement is that if a woman is so inebriated it is impossible for her to give consent.  Without consent, then any intercourse is rape.  He mentions five glasses of jungle juice.  Is the guy standing there counting?  Is he handing them to the girl and watching her drink?  Even worse, is he slipping something into her glass so that she won’t even remember?  Unfortunately, this takes place every single day and the lines have been blurred so much that women in this situation are often not believed.  Take a look at this article titled:  Hook-up Culture At Boston University Leads To Skepticism About Sexual Assault – http://tinyurl.com/ykbphxt

Drinking and driving do not mix.  Sex and being wasted do not mix either.  The consequences can be dangerous and life altering.  I’ve written about this before in Binge Drinking, Hook-ups, and Self-Esteem http://www.whorublog.com/?cat=74

We need responsibility.  We need to think about our actions.  We need to think about the consequences.

We need respect.

Rape is not okay, with or without alcohol.

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Catherine – She was beautiful.

I actually couldn’t wait for my parents to leave the house, because it meant that Catherine was coming over.  She didn’t babysit; she came over to hang out.  We did art projects, enjoyed ice cream, walked to the park in the summer and skated in the winter.  I loved to watch Catherine meticulously cut out paper and Modge Podge the image onto a rock we found on the beach.  She layered paper and created the most awesome collages.  She spoke to me like a friend and seemed to always be interested in what I had to say.  I totally wanted to be like her.  Her golden hair was long, straight, and shiny; her skin was a smooth and white as milk.  I loved the attention she gave me and hated it when she left.  One of the last things I remember asking her was when I would see her again.

I know she told me, because I remember waking up excited… Catherine was coming over.  Would we paint?  Would we cook?  Maybe a treasure hunt?

But she didn’t show up.

I was devastated.

Catherine had killed herself the night before.

She had sat in her parents’ car in the garage, turned on the ignition, and let it run until she inhaled enough carbon monoxide.  She was dead.

Dead.

Never coming back.

I was devastated.

It’s been over three decades since Catherine killed herself, leaving behind her parents and five sisters.  I’ve never forgotten her.  I loved her.  And I was just a small child.

It hurts ‘til this day.  I was just the kid she babysat – but she changed me long before that fateful day.  She loved me back.  I am certain that Catherine never truly knew how much she meant to me, that I would miss her, and think about her even after all these years.  She was the best – and she didn’t even know it.

How many Catherines are there in this world, thinking about killing themselves because life’s horrible?  Because the world is closing up around them?  Because they’ve been bullied and they can’t take it anymore?  Because of pressure so great it seems unbearable?  There are so many reasons why teens think about suicide…

PLEASE DON’T DO IT!  Please get help – NOW.

Don’t leave a trail of broken hearts.

DON’T KILL YOURSELF – please.  You are important, you are valued, and loved – you may not even know how much.

Get help.  Talk to a relative, teacher, counselor, friend, minister, rabbi, neighbor. Don’t stop until someone hears you and helps you.

Here is a number for you to call:

National Suicide Prevention Hotline – 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvjEmRBuKiU&feature=player_embedded (A video on for suicide prevention)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGcGfPgLOc0&feature=player_embedded (A young woman talks about her sister’s suicide)

http://tinyurl.com/yzt2dj9 (An article on cyber-bullying and suicide, by Cindy Springsteen)

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Help!  My Parents Don’t Listen to Me!

I hear these comments from teens all the time:

Talk It Out!

My parents don’t listen to me.  

My parents aren’t interested in what I have to say.   My parents dictate what I can or cannot do.  (I don’t want to play sports, piano, etc. but they say that I have to do it!)

I’ve told my parents that I’m interested in _____, but they say I’ll never make a living at it, so why bother doing it (or it’s a waste of money to study it in college.)  I have no sense of control over my life. 

I don’t have choices.  My parents don’t care about me.   I’m expected to do this, and I hate it. 

If I don’t get great grades, I’ll be in huge trouble.   I’d like to do this, but every time I ask they say it’s too (dangerous, expensive, ridiculous, a waste of time etc.)

So how can you talk so that your parents will listen – and really hear you?

DON’T EXPECT TO GET YOUR POINT ACROSS DURING AN ARGUMENT – no one ever really wins.

Here’s some ideas to help you:

1. Plan ahead.  Outline your points clearly.  Make a list of what you want to say.  Use bullet points. If necessary, write out two drafts – the first can be with all your anger and frustration.  The second one should be the key points, without the emotion so that you can clearly communicate without hostility.
2. Tell your parents you feel unheard, and that it hurts.  Sometimes parents feel that you have pushed them away, that you don’t need them, that they are less connected with you.  It’s important to say that you miss your time with them, that you love them, want to spend quality time with them.  Here’s what you could say,
3. Stay calm.
4. Set up a time to communicate. (If you feel ignored, this is really important!)  Request time – ask for their undivided attention without any phone calls, tv, computer – be very specific that you want their full attention. If you can, speak to your parents on neutral ground. “Mom, I need to speak to you and I need your full attention without phone calls.  Can we go somewhere so that we can talk? Another idea is to go for a walk with your parent.  Moving around helps elevate some of the tension and helps to focus the communication between the two of you.
5. Ask them to hear you out until the end – You could say, “I really would appreciate it if you would let me get it all out before you comment.”
6. Speak respectfully – if you want respect, if you want to be heard, then communicate respectfully.  Watch your tone, language (verbal and non-verbal), and don’t whine or complain.  Be clear on your perspective and issue.
7. Share your feelings – Most parents don’t read minds, so tell them how you feel if it’s appropriate.  Talk about your feeling, but don’t be accusatory – don’t be confrontational.  Example: When you said _____, I really felt rejected.  Don’t talk about being angry, frustrated, mad because that makes people defensive – especially parents who don’t want to be told how to feel about something or that their behavior was wrong.   Instead use words like scared, belittled, rejected.  REMEMBER – you know your parents best.  You know what pushes their buttons.  If you want to be heard, don’t go for the jugular.
8. Hear your parents point-of-view.  Listen, don’t argue – really listen, don’t set up your next argument while you’re listening.  You might miss an important point.
9. Restate what your parents have said and then have your parents restate what you said, both should restate what was said without judgment.  Integrate your thoughts into theirs until there is a clear understanding.
10. Come up with an understanding/compromise/plan – something reasonable that you can all live with!
11. Make choices and know your choices have consequences – hopefully positive consequences.
12. Don’t let fear, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, trust issues, or ego keep you from doing what you believe is right.  But also don’t be so locked into being right, that you don’t hear your parents either. 
13. If you don’t get your point across, or the compromise is not something you’re happy with, respect your parents, step away from it, and at another time, revisit the conversation.
14. Ask yourself if this will matter a week from now, a month from now, a year from now, ten years from now.  This helps gain perspective.
15. Ask your parents to reserve the time to talk.

What should you do if you’ve tried to present your perspective and your parents still don’t hear you?

1. If things are not going well, bring in a third party – someone that can be neutral and respected by all involved.
2. Write a letter, they can’t argue back.

Tips for Parents:

Obviously, you can gain quite a bit of insight by reviewing the points listed above.  Here are few more.

1. Focus on your young adult’s strengths, rather than his or her weaknesses. 
2. Listen, really listen – in a neutral place, absent of distractions such as phone calls, computers, T.V. This should be a time of complete focus on your son or daughter, with NO interruptions.
3. Take your son or daughter seriously.
4. Ask yourself if you’re imposing your beliefs/feelings/experiences on your teen, because you’re living vicariously through him or her, or because it’s what you want and perceive is best, even though it may truly not be what is best for your son or daughter.
5. Look at your son or daughter’s body language.  What is it telling you?
6. Don’t ridicule or belittle your son or daughter for expressing him or herself.  Encourage him or her to share their feelings.  Nothing closes a mouth faster or makes a YA defensive quicker than if he or she feels pushed against a wall, or belittled.  In turn, express how you feel too, but in a manner that doesn’t make your child feel defensive. 
7. Ask yourself if you really need to say no…  Will yes work too?
8. Are you imposing your fears, self-esteem issues, ego, trust issues on your son or daughter?
9. You know what words push your son or daughter’s buttons.  You know what hurts him or her.  Don’t say anything to wound them.
10. Will this issue be important a week, a month, a year, or ten years from now, if not, why the battle?

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