Help!  My Parents Don’t Listen to Me!

I hear these comments from teens all the time:

Talk It Out!

My parents don’t listen to me.  

My parents aren’t interested in what I have to say.   My parents dictate what I can or cannot do.  (I don’t want to play sports, piano, etc. but they say that I have to do it!)

I’ve told my parents that I’m interested in _____, but they say I’ll never make a living at it, so why bother doing it (or it’s a waste of money to study it in college.)  I have no sense of control over my life. 

I don’t have choices.  My parents don’t care about me.   I’m expected to do this, and I hate it. 

If I don’t get great grades, I’ll be in huge trouble.   I’d like to do this, but every time I ask they say it’s too (dangerous, expensive, ridiculous, a waste of time etc.)

So how can you talk so that your parents will listen – and really hear you?

DON’T EXPECT TO GET YOUR POINT ACROSS DURING AN ARGUMENT – no one ever really wins.

Here’s some ideas to help you:

1. Plan ahead.  Outline your points clearly.  Make a list of what you want to say.  Use bullet points. If necessary, write out two drafts – the first can be with all your anger and frustration.  The second one should be the key points, without the emotion so that you can clearly communicate without hostility.
2. Tell your parents you feel unheard, and that it hurts.  Sometimes parents feel that you have pushed them away, that you don’t need them, that they are less connected with you.  It’s important to say that you miss your time with them, that you love them, want to spend quality time with them.  Here’s what you could say,
3. Stay calm.
4. Set up a time to communicate. (If you feel ignored, this is really important!)  Request time – ask for their undivided attention without any phone calls, tv, computer – be very specific that you want their full attention. If you can, speak to your parents on neutral ground. “Mom, I need to speak to you and I need your full attention without phone calls.  Can we go somewhere so that we can talk? Another idea is to go for a walk with your parent.  Moving around helps elevate some of the tension and helps to focus the communication between the two of you.
5. Ask them to hear you out until the end – You could say, “I really would appreciate it if you would let me get it all out before you comment.”
6. Speak respectfully – if you want respect, if you want to be heard, then communicate respectfully.  Watch your tone, language (verbal and non-verbal), and don’t whine or complain.  Be clear on your perspective and issue.
7. Share your feelings – Most parents don’t read minds, so tell them how you feel if it’s appropriate.  Talk about your feeling, but don’t be accusatory – don’t be confrontational.  Example: When you said _____, I really felt rejected.  Don’t talk about being angry, frustrated, mad because that makes people defensive – especially parents who don’t want to be told how to feel about something or that their behavior was wrong.   Instead use words like scared, belittled, rejected.  REMEMBER – you know your parents best.  You know what pushes their buttons.  If you want to be heard, don’t go for the jugular.
8. Hear your parents point-of-view.  Listen, don’t argue – really listen, don’t set up your next argument while you’re listening.  You might miss an important point.
9. Restate what your parents have said and then have your parents restate what you said, both should restate what was said without judgment.  Integrate your thoughts into theirs until there is a clear understanding.
10. Come up with an understanding/compromise/plan – something reasonable that you can all live with!
11. Make choices and know your choices have consequences – hopefully positive consequences.
12. Don’t let fear, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, trust issues, or ego keep you from doing what you believe is right.  But also don’t be so locked into being right, that you don’t hear your parents either. 
13. If you don’t get your point across, or the compromise is not something you’re happy with, respect your parents, step away from it, and at another time, revisit the conversation.
14. Ask yourself if this will matter a week from now, a month from now, a year from now, ten years from now.  This helps gain perspective.
15. Ask your parents to reserve the time to talk.

What should you do if you’ve tried to present your perspective and your parents still don’t hear you?

1. If things are not going well, bring in a third party – someone that can be neutral and respected by all involved.
2. Write a letter, they can’t argue back.

Tips for Parents:

Obviously, you can gain quite a bit of insight by reviewing the points listed above.  Here are few more.

1. Focus on your young adult’s strengths, rather than his or her weaknesses. 
2. Listen, really listen – in a neutral place, absent of distractions such as phone calls, computers, T.V. This should be a time of complete focus on your son or daughter, with NO interruptions.
3. Take your son or daughter seriously.
4. Ask yourself if you’re imposing your beliefs/feelings/experiences on your teen, because you’re living vicariously through him or her, or because it’s what you want and perceive is best, even though it may truly not be what is best for your son or daughter.
5. Look at your son or daughter’s body language.  What is it telling you?
6. Don’t ridicule or belittle your son or daughter for expressing him or herself.  Encourage him or her to share their feelings.  Nothing closes a mouth faster or makes a YA defensive quicker than if he or she feels pushed against a wall, or belittled.  In turn, express how you feel too, but in a manner that doesn’t make your child feel defensive. 
7. Ask yourself if you really need to say no…  Will yes work too?
8. Are you imposing your fears, self-esteem issues, ego, trust issues on your son or daughter?
9. You know what words push your son or daughter’s buttons.  You know what hurts him or her.  Don’t say anything to wound them.
10. Will this issue be important a week, a month, a year, or ten years from now, if not, why the battle?

Riley Carney

A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE

How a Shy Teen Became a Published Author 

By Riley Carney, Age 16 – guest blogger

http://www.rileycarney.com/

Breaking the Chain – Riley Carney’s Non-Profit Organization for Literacy – http://bit.ly/5SsOsA

Over the past year and a half, my life has changed dramatically. I have gone from a shy high school sophomore who liked to write and was passionate about literacy, to a published author and the director of a full-fledged, legal nonprofit organization. I have many people to thank for what I’ve achieved, family, teachers, myself. But there was one person who played a large role in my decision to recognize my passions and take them to the next level. For the purpose of anonymity, we’ll call her Laura.

Laura had been my best friend since fourth grade. We went to different middle schools and high schools, but we had stayed close friends, and saw each other on the weekends and throughout the summers. Middle school was a particularly difficult time for me, but it didn’t matter that I didn’t fit in at school because Laura was still my friend.

THE FIRE STONE

By the time high school rolled around, I had started to write my books and I had begun my quest to combat illiteracy by creating my program, Breaking the Chain. I was still shy, but I decided that I cared a lot about trying to raise money to build a school for a village in Kenya. So, despite a shaky voice and a bad case of butterflies in my stomach, I managed to give a presentation to my entire high school during an assembly to kick off my fundraising. After a few months of selling T-shirts at school and often feeling uncomfortable with the whole exercise, I managed to raise enough money to build a school and a water purification system for the village.

I felt great about raising the money and I was determined to push forward, but there were definitely times when I felt like an outcast. There just really wasn’t a place for me in any of the groups of kids at school. I wasn’t buying into the popular party groups and I didn’t fit into the misfit groups either. It was incredibly hard to feel so out of place, but I also knew that most teenagers, even the ones who seem popular, feel very insecure inside. Besides, I knew that Laura still accepted me, and she was still my best friend. 

The summer before my sophomore year my relationship with Laura began to change. She was suddenly much less interested in being my friend and much more interested in fitting in with the cool crowd at her school.  We saw less of each other and didn’t talk as frequently.  One day I called and left a message for her.   She never called me back. As quickly and as suddenly as that, our five-year friendship had ended. I was heartbroken.

My best friend had decided that I was no longer worth her time, and for a while I was distraught. I felt very lonely and I wanted nothing more than to fade into the background so that no one would notice how alone I felt. Soon, however, I began to I realize that there weren’t any kids whose opinion about me mattered! It was a very liberating moment to recognize that I didn’t care what other kids thought of me.  It didn’t matter if I was wearing the right outfit or the right makeup or if some boy thought I was hot or if I fit into a group.  The people I respect were the opinions of me that mattered. Most of the kids at school were so concerned with fitting in that they had lost themselves and their own personalities. What was there to respect?

This new mindset allowed me to discover what I was truly capable of.  My first book was published, six more have been written, and my organization has become a legal nonprofit corporation that has made a difference in thousands of children’s lives. I also have spoken to over 3,000 kids at schools across the country, hoping to inspire them to pursue their dreams and to reach out to help others.  I’ve also have made some great new friends who are involved in not being a clone of some other kid who they think is popular.

I no longer care about what my peers think of me; I only care about what I think of myself.  And that has made all the difference in my life.

I guess I have Laura to thank for that.

A note from Liza Wiemer:  It is truly an honor to include Riley on WhoRuBlog.  She epitomizes the term “Inspiring Teen!”  If you would like to purchase an autographed copy of The Fire Stone, you can do so from her site: http://www.rileycarney.com/  In addition, her book is available through Amazon http://tiny.cc/KgiND  Find Riley on Goodreads.com – one of my most favorite book sites. http://tiny.cc/Tkv9M

WHO CONTROLS YOUR LIFE?

Oh no, Mr. Bill! Who's intimidating you?

Dear Liza,

Love your blog.  I have a story I need to share with you.  I know a beautiful, confident, bright college student who has always been well-liked, dated guys she wanted to, and had a close circle of friends.  She had and has a lot going for her.  

After high school, she moved out-of-state for college and everything changed.  She met a guy that she fell head-over-heels for and after a few months things started going downhill.  He started to control her life – who she saw, who she talked to, where she went, and he called her cell-phone a million times a day to check up on her.  He even moved into her apartment.  He used her car and stopped working. 

Pretty soon she lost all sense of herself.  This once confident girl has no longer saw how special she was and is.  I am telling you this happened very quickly, surprised her parents, and all of her friends.  No one would have ever thought she would become prey to an abusive boyfriend, but it happened. 

She has had a happy ending.  She was able to get him to leave her apartment, and they gradually broke up.  It wasn’t easy.  Fortunately, she was able to come out of this experience with next to no physical scars – emotionally it was a lot harder. 
Just wanted to share this with you, since others can definitely learn from it.

Best, BH  

This story is a very important one, not just because this scenario happens every day, but also because it epitomizes a key problem for a lot of us.  Nearly everyday I interact with people who are struggling with feeling out-of-control, vulnerable, or victimized.  I’ve experienced it too.  Getting out of these situations are not easy, but it can – no – it must be done!

Who or what is consuming your life?  Are your thoughts, conversations, and emotional wellbeing focused on negative interactions?  If yes, you have little or no control over your personal power. 

Are you sitting down, ‘cause I have EARTH SHATTERING NEWS! Lol! You’re a human being, not an alien, not an angel, not perrrfect!  We’re here on earth to grow, to make a difference, to change our lives for the better, and help others.

Don’t give away your personal power. 

Don’t give away your personal power.

Don’t give away your personal power.

Here’s the thing.  The minute we start seeing ourselves as less than someone else, when we live in fear, or when we are overtly critical of others, we give away our personal power.  Someone else consumes our thoughts, emotions, energy – and the direction we ultimately take in life can be deeply influenced by our perceptions.

Scenario 1 – You have a friend who is critical of almost everything you do – what you wear, who you date, where you go…  All of a sudden you can’t make any decisions unless that person approves of your choice. 

Scenario 2 – You have spent half of your life arguing with your brother/sister and the other half not speaking with him/her.  You hate him/her, you’re sick of him/her, s/he’s just mean, mean, mean.  Well, maybe you luv him/her, because after all, s/he is your brother/sister.  But, s/he’s destroyed your life, hasn’t cared about you, forgotten your birthday, been totally insensitive to your needs, and s/he’s a selfish, rotten brat!  Oh, and the whole world is going to know it too!

Scenario 3 – Pressure – you feel pressured to have sex with your boyfriend/girlfriend or hook up without any commitment to any relationship/friendship. 

Scenario 4 – You live in fear, stuck with whatever you’re doing because you would rather not take any risks of changing.  After all, you might make a bad choice, worse than the already bad scenario you’re in now.  You hate your job or school, but why change if the next one might be worse?  You’ve got an abusive boy/girlfriend, but no else will love you, right? Fear keeps you stuck in dead-end relationships.

Scenario 5 – Abuse – you’ve been emotionally, physically, or sexually abused and the painful experiences consume your life.  Does s/he deserve your nearly endless energy/emotions/thoughts directed toward him or her?

TAKE YOUR PERSONAL POWER BACK.  We’re human beings.  Unfortunately, not everything in life is going to be perfect.  As I said, if it were perfect, then we would be angels. 

WE DO HAVE PURPOSE AND MEANING in our lives.  I am a firm believer in using whatever God-given talents we have to make this world a better place.  No one is meant to be the same as another.  Do we want to be a force for good or for… – No, I don’t even want to think about it. 

NO VALUE TO YOUR LIFE?

One of the saddest things that a person could say is that s/he has no value, no meaning, or purpose in his/her life.  I hear it more often than you could ever imagine.  Perhaps it’s because we are looking for something so grandiose that we lose focus of the small things that make a difference?  I’ll never forget standing in line at the grocery store before a major holiday.  The lines had to be fifteen people deep when I noticed a woman struggling to unload her cart.  A baby was sleeping in her arms and a toddler was fidgety and whining.  I walked from the back of the line to the front and offered my help.  The look of gratitude in her eyes and the relief I saw on her face were unforgettable.  As I zigzagged back to my cart several people said that they thought about helping her too.  (Obviously, they didn’t.)  It was a simple act, but it had value for me, and hopefully for the woman, too.  We can all do these simple acts of kindness. 

What are your talents?  How are you using your skills to make our world better? 

When you are in control of your personal power and use it for good, a spark of light shines in the darkness.

So, who have you given your personal power to?  How has it affected you?  How are you going reclaim it? 

Maybe you need to say, “No, I don’t want that drink.”  Or, “I want to go home (even tell the person you’re not feeling well – believe me, you’re not lying – cause you’ll feel a lot worse if you do something you don’t want to do!)

Maybe you need to say, “Yes, I am breaking up with you!”  “Yes, I can work one night this week and on Sunday, but I am trying to get into college so I need time to study.”

What words do you need to practice, say, and follow through on?

Perhaps? “I’m tired of being angry all the time.”  “I am not going to spend another minute thinking about how so-and-so hurt me.”  “I am in control of my life and with whom I interact.”  “I will no longer associate with so-and-so.”

These are just a few suggestions.  I know it’s not easy.  If you find yourself struggling, please speak to a trusted teacher, minister, counselor, or professional.  It’s time to take back your personal power!

Hope this helps! Liza

How Can I Figure Out What To Do With My Life, When I Can’t Even Decide What To Wear?

Sometimes Classes Aren't Enough!

*First, thanks to a reader for suggesting this topic! <3

Perhaps you’re a student approaching the possible dreaded decision of what to do after high school.  Or, perhaps you’re in college and you haven’t declared a major yet. Okay, so let’s tackle these different scenarios.

You’ve already been asked about a million times what you’re going to do with your life, what college you’re going to attend, and/or what you would like to major in.  “Fun” isn’t exactly the answer most people would expect or appreciate, but you might have a little “fun” throwing it out there.  Lol.  “I don’t know,” is a viable answer, but most people don’t seem to buy into it.

You’ve been in college for two years, and you still don’t know what you want to do.  The four-year-plan seems to be looking more like the five or six-year-plan.  Now what?  Should you declare, even if you’re not sure you’ll be happy with your decision?

Here’s my best advice:

I’m not going to tell you not to worry about it, but I am going to tell you don’t spend too much time dwelling on it.  Plans can and do change, but having some kind of plan is helpful.

1.  Know yourself.  What are your interests?  Do you like to: Read, write, dance, sing, play a musical instrument, socialize, hibernate, debate, cook, play sports, paint, watch sports, sail, create science experiments…  Computers, films, fashion, the beach, photography, politics, your faith, warm weather, cold weather…

The more you know about yourself, the better decisions you can make.  If you want, make a list of you likes and dislikes.

2.  Be willing to explore.  You might think that you’d like to be a writer, but take the opportunity to try out different courses.  A cousin took a linguistics class her freshman year and fell in love with it.  She ended up getting a dual degree in business and linguistics.  Another friend was interested in being an English major, but she found that Art History were one of her most favorite courses.  Now she integrates Art History in her writing.  A family member uses www.ratemyprofessor.com and saw that an Archeology professor received high ratings.  He took the class and loved it.

Don’t be afraid to change majors. When I was touring colleges with my elder son we heard an admissions director say that 90% of all students change their majors.

3.  Use Internet and social media sites to learn about yourself, integrate your interests/passions, and connect with people.  Facebook, Twitter, Goodreads, MySpace are all great social media sites, but how are you using them?  If they’re just for socializing with friends, then you’re missing a huge component that could help you figure out what you want to do with your life, or at the very least, utilize a talent that you possess.  Nicole, who started www.wordforteens.com in 2007 when she was thirteen, uses her passion for reading and has created a highly successful YA book blog.  It includes author interviews, giveaways, reviews, and some cool personal interests – she’s a Johnny Depp fan. J  Nicole utilizes social media sites like Twitter (555 followers as of today) to share her thoughts and connect with readers/authors!  Pretty amazing!  Blogging is a great way to share your interests with others.  Anyone can utilize social media sites like Nicole has – to connect with other people who have similar interests.  Want to know more about scuba diving? Use social media to learn more and it is an effective use of your time to discover what you do and do not like about a topic.

4.  Take responsibility for the decisions you make.  Want to know how this connects with figuring out what to do with your life?  It may seem simple, but it’s not.  If you make poor choices, the consequences can be severe.  How can you have direction if you are getting into trouble, drifting, vegging, doing drugs, binge drinking?  I can’t begin to tell you how many incredible, bright teens/YA end up making poor choices and find themselves in such difficult situations that they can’t dig themselves out – at least not for awhile.  The key is to ultimately take responsibility for the choices you make and THINK FIRST!  Do something active, positive, even if that means going on a walk through the mall to figure out what kinds of things you like and don’t like.  And gasp – do it alone so that you’re not influenced by what a friend thinks.    

5.  If you’re passionate about something, pursue your passion.  Please, please be passionate about something.  Apathy is your enemy.  Care about something!  Dogs? Art? Music?  A family member loves film/multi-media.  We encouraged him to use his talents to: 1. Start his own business, which he did when he was fifteen.  2. To find a college where he could excel in this area.  We knew that if he really loved film, then he would need to integrate it into his academic life too.  He’s now at BU in the Business Honors Program and getting a second degree in Communications with a focus on film.  If you don’t utilize your passions in some way, you’re going to be awfully unhappy.  Whether you find a club, play intramural sports, take art classes, join an a cappella group, find some way to engage your passions.

5.  I’ve said it in other articles on this blog, but it’s important to mention here, find mentors/role models!  You want to be the best writer?  Great, a wonderful ambition – maybe you’re close, maybe you’re interested, but don’t know how to get started, or maybe you’ve already won awards or have been published. If you really want to excel, continue to grow and learn, choose top authors and read their work – study it, digest it, understand it to the best of your ability.  This goes for many things in life.

6.  Surround yourself with people who have the same interests, but aren’t so competitive that they can’t be supportive.  Negative, self-centered, egomaniacs have a tendency to surround themselves with people who reflect their beliefs or whom they can bully/boss around.  Choose your friends wisely.  Don’t give your personal power up to anyone! (Look for a future blog piece coming soon!)

7.  Volunteer.  I’ve known many teens/YA who have discovered what they want to do with their lives through volunteer  work.  Many have used these experiences to get paying summer jobs.  There are thousands of non-profit organizations, many through churches and synagogues, that are in desperate need for volunteers.  Ask around your high school or college – I am certain you can find a perfect match for you. 

And last but not least… 

8.  Your experiences can shape who you are, but they don’t need to define you.  Mistakes happen.  Hopefully the consequences of those mistakes won’t be life changing.  Learn from them and move on.  People don’t make decisions or changes because of fear.  Most fears are in a person’s head.  Ask yourself what is or isn’t real and then be willing to at least explore different possibilities. 

Hope this helps.  :) Liza

WISDOM FROM STARBUCKS

 Life Lessons from Teens to Seniors

I love connections and people’s stories.   I’m also a Starbucks addict.  If you’ve read this blog before, you know I’m not shy.  So, I had no problem walking up to complete strangers at various Starbucks and asking them to share some wisdom with the rest of us.  I was blown away!  Some of the most brilliant thoughts came from teens and young adults! 

The priceless question:  What has life taught you so far?

The answers:  Definitely worth your time – a lot of wisdom came from people waiting for a mocha or cappuccino!

Kelly, 28, “Spend time with the people you love because you don’t know what tomorrow will bring.”

Molly, 13, ON FRIENDSHIP: “When you have two friends who are fighting – stay out of it because they will put you in the middle and then you’re the one who will end up in the most trouble.  It’s okay to know that your best friend today may not be your best friend in the future.  Friends can change.  I lost my best friend because of a stupid mistake, but true friends are forgiving.  True friends also don’t focus on clothes and all the outer stuff.  Years from now, it won’t matter.  WHO YOU ARE INSIDE IS WHAT MAKES YOU A STAR!”

Also, don’t overreact because it’s pointless – a waste of energy – and in the end, it’s not nearly as important as you most likely thought it was.  Instead of wishing for life to be different, deal with the way things are. (Wishing doesn’t do anything – change only happens if you make it happen.)

Amanda, 25, “NOTHING LESS.  I read this phrase in my assignment notebook in sixth or seventh grade.  It struck me then, and it has stayed with me.  What it conveyed was a message that I should settle for nothing less than fulfilling my personal goals and dreams.  It motivated me.  As I got older, I continued to follow this idea.  The only thing that has changed is that I realized that sometimes you can alter your dreams as you go along the way.”

Isaac, 13, “Respect your friends.  Don’t yell at them or keep things bottled up.  It will only come out at another time or land on someone else that you care about.”

Jodi, 34, “Trust in who you are, and trust your heart.  Sometimes your head can get in the way, especially when you start wondering what other people are thinking.  Let that go and when you do, you’ll find that things fall into place.

Taylor, 14, “Boys can be stupid.  When they act like they’re interested in you, they’re not, and when they act like they aren’t interested in you, they are.  Why don’t they just say exactly what they mean!

Maureen, 62, “It’s important to find something to laugh about every day.  Surround yourself with people whom you enjoy and feel good to be around.  True friendship involves relationships that understand that things happen – we all go through a lot in life – so appreciate how precious life is and cherish each moment.”

Jamie, 45, “Never underestimate what (you can do) or what your children can do.  Your children are capable of so much more than you think; so don’t limit them with your perceptions.” 

Marnie, 30, “When you put anything on the computer, even when you think it’s private, it’s not.  Facebook, e-mail, Twitter etc. is not private.  If you don’t want the world to know about it, keep it off the computer – PERIOD!”

Hannah, 13, “Don’t put off your homework!  I had an assignment and had two weeks to do it.  I kept thinking that I had time to get it done and when I finally got around to doing it then night before, it was way too late.  I could have done a lot better.”

Jennifer, 46, “Don’t make drama where there is none, because doing so is unnecessary.  There’s enough real drama in your life to deal with without creating more.  Also, don’t play the “what if…” game if you’re going to focus on the negatives.  It doesn’t help you one bit in life!”

Judy, 63, “A person’s worst qualities can also be his/her best qualities.  For example, if someone is stubborn, this quality may mean she will keep at something until she gets it perfect – she will be driven to succeed.  On the other hand, being stubborn might lead to being inflexible.  A person needs to learn how to use these qualities for the best, and in the most positive way.”

How about sharing some of your own wisdom?  You don’t have to be at Starbucks to do so – just click on comments.  Thanks, Liza

TEENS/YA BINGE DRINKING, HOOK UPS, AND SELF-ESTEEM

Okay, I’ve been thinking about this for quite awhile and decided I just had to blog about it!

Who or What is Driving You?

Lately I’ve been hearing more than the usual from teens and YA about the binge drinking that has been taking place on campuses and at high school parties.

Here’s what several eighteen-year-olds have told me.

Some of you love to drink.  You love the feeling of getting buzzed; you love having the pressures taken off of you by drinking, and though you end up spending the night throwing up in a toilet, it is still worth it.  It’s worth it, even if you sleep it off the next day, all day.  You’ve told me it is a right of passage and a personal entertainment choice, something to do with friends.  I can’t say this makes me happy.  I wish you would find other, more healthy ways to entertain yourself.  On a side note – I just learned in my CPR class (January 26, 2010) that those who are vomiting after binge drinking should be watched carefully.  There is a higher chance of choking on vomit under these circumstances, and if you are alone, you may not get the care you need!

From several teens and young adults (ages ranging from fifteen to twenty) you shared the following situations with me:

You drink so much that you don’t remember what happened to you.  Your friends (who can still stand) take care of you, bring you to the bathroom, clean you up, and make sure you get food in you.  Some of you are hooking up, and you don’t even remember them.  You drink so that you can hook-up, because without the alcohol you would never do it.  Unfortunately, the morning after leaves you feeling empty and lost.

I’ve been privileged to talk with you about it and it’s clear your self-esteem is so low, that it breaks my heart.

It breaks my heart because I think you’re amazing.  I think you’re beautiful – inside and out.  I think that you are incredibly bright, gifted, and have so much to offer this world, but are making bad choices – especially when it comes to drinking.

A few of you have been raped.  A few of you lost your virginity in ways that you have said were totally degrading.  (In the bathroom at school – not cool.  Or, at a party with others watching.)

The lipstick rings placed on the guy’s penis while others watched and cheered?  You barfed in the toilet shortly afterward…  That brought tears to my eyes…  You felt totally degraded, but pressured into doing it.

You got so drunk that you couldn’t move out of the snow bank.  Thankfully, a friend found you before you froze to death.

A few of you have gotten into a car with a drunk driver – and you lived.  I am so glad that you are alive, because you have so much living to do.  If you hadn’t been drunk yourself, you never would have done something so stupid.

I wish I were making this stuff up.   I wish that I could magically make it all disappear, but I can’t.

Here’s what I can tell you.  It’s time to put this behind you.  It’s time to stop, and it’s time for you to know that you have control of the choices you make, and you don’t have to repeat them.

You tell me that you have a reputation now – one you can’t live down – so you just continue with the same behavior, because that is what is expected of you.  But I have to tell you that I know you’re better than that, much, much, much better.  I’m not saying that it is going to be easy.  It’s lousy and unfair.  But it also is life.

The only way to change is if you make a choice to take action by not participating, by saying no.  Respect yourself because you deserve it!

If you need someone to listen or if you have questions, please e-mail me.  I will, G-d willing, be here to cheer you on!  Because no matter what, I believe that you are truly amazing.  whoRuBlog@aol.com

A note from Liza:

Right before I was about to post this blog piece I saw the following article from my aol home page:

TEEN BINGE DRINKING MAY CAUSE BRAIN DAMAGE – Sphere News

http://tinyurl.com/ygv39cp

To learn more about self-esteem issues, please click on the following link: http://www.whorublog.com/?page_id=79 or if you would like to learn more about the five barriers that can influence your life, please click on the following link:  http://www.whorublog.com/?p=12

Lookin Like a Fool with Your Pants on the Ground

Youtube Video of American Idol\’s General Larry Pratt – Pants on the Ground

General Larry Platt, 62, hit American Idol by storm last night and made viewers smile with his original song, Pants on the Ground. There’s no doubt he has an opinion about what some teens and young adults wear, and he sure doesn’t like it!  But what made his “message” effective was that this wasn’t some shlup doling out fashion advice – The General has the moves.  Did you see him breakdancing?  Amazing!

So, here’s the question.  If your pants are on the ground, are you really looking like a fool?  Like many trends, those who dress with their pants on the ground will most likely say in ten years, “What the heck was I thinking!”  Does is it matter?  Shouldn’t what you wear be a personal choice?  Or should there be guidelines for what teens can and cannot wear?

Nicolet High School in Glendale, WI instituted a dress code for the 2009-2010 school year, which forbids students from wearing their pants on the ground (sagging pants).  The administration and school board said that students who wore these pants are constantly hoisting them up.  (One student told me that kids who wear these pants sometimes grab the fabric by their crotch to pull up them up, and some see it as a sexual message.)  The school also placed a ban on midriff tops, showing cleavage, pjs, and halter-tops, to name just a few.  Many saw these types of clothes as giving off a clear S-E-X-U-A-L message.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebhlRhRi290 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tXA-qu4zYK8

The bottom line is respect. Our bodies are beautiful.  We should respect them and appreciate them, not as objects, but as vehicles to make this world a better place.  Huh?  What was that?

Let me explain.  If you see yourself strictly as a body, then what you do has little meaning.  If, however, you see yourself as an individual who has a soul, who has a mind, who has a heart, then the body is no longer an object to be used, but a vehicle to accomplish dreams, use talents, and make a difference to improve this world.  The heart, mind, and soul need a body to accomplish dreams.  The body puts everything into action.  When you look at yourself as more than a body, then you can understand how what you wear can truly say a lot about who and what you are.  Everyone needs to decide for him or herself what that message is.  Make sure it’s one you feel really good about and reflects your true beauty – the inner-self that should shine forward at all times.

I’d love to know what you think about this too!

TRASH NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS!

Yes, I give you permission.  Trash the New Year’s resolutions!  “What?” you say.  “Isn’t that a part of the American tradition?  New year, new lease (or should I say leash) on life?”

It’s not that I’m against resolutions – actually, I’m for them.  I’m just against the emphasis on New Year’s Day resolutions.  Who the heck decided that out of 365 days a year this is THE DAY for resolutions?

Now this is a New Year's resolution worth keeping. Read twenty-five books in 2010!

Recently I heard a very wise man say that the most important day of the year is TODAY! I believe that, and act on it.  If you believe it too, then a resolution is appropriate any day of the year.  It also means that EVERY DAY is an opportunity for new beginnings.  I love that!  I also love that resolutions don’t have to be difficult to have a huge impact.  A simple resolution to call a loved one you haven’t spoken to for awhile can involve little effort and reap huge reward.  Sometimes, what we think is the small stuff, is actually the most important stuff of all!

♥♥♥

Will you keep your resolution if you make one?

Here’s what I think.  In order for a resolution to succeed a person needs the following:

1. A desire to change an aspect in your life.
2. A clear goal or goals that are specific to what you want to change.
3. Self-motivation.
4. A loose game plan – 2 or 3 action steps you can take immediately to work toward fulfilling your goal(s).
5. A great pair of pliers to pull the hook out of your neck for when you lose sight of your goal and need help getting back on track.  Let me explain.  WE’RE HUMAN!  If this comes as news to you, seek help immediately.  Even the best, most successful people get off track – but what makes them successful is their ability to let themselves off the hook for getting side tracked and put themselves back in the game.
6. Review – ask yourself how you’re doing and periodically readjust your actions to make sure you are working toward the end result.
7. Once you reach your goal, how are you going to maintain it?  Change it?  Find a new goal?

Things to remember:

1. You don’t have to have all the answers to pursue a goal.  As you move toward it, see doors opening for you!
2. Be clear, be specific – notice I didn’t say realistic – that sets limitations.
3. Seek the best mentors and ask questions.
4. Be kind, be thankful, and show it.  Only you can take action to reach your goal(s), but that doesn’t mean you may not need help on the journey.
5. Stay away from negative self-talk, influences.  It’s ghhhrrrr!  YOU CAN DO IT!  I KNOW YOU CAN SUCCEED!
6. Smile.

ENVY vs. ADMIRATION 

Never saw the movie, but the title works!

Envy.  Yes, I envy YOU!  You’ve got it and I WANT IT!  And not only do I want what you have, I want it NOW and if you go down, well it just serves you RIGHT!  After all, what did you really do in the first place to deserve it?  Look at me!  I work hard, I’m smart, I’m soooo much better than YOU!  Gah. 

Okay, now that I have your attention, I hope you’re lol because it’s always a good thing to laugh with someone who tries (yes tries– because I’m not always successful) to be humorous.  The truth is somewhere floating in the words.

Let’s talk Tiger Woods – yeah I know HE’S EVERYWHERE!  The fallen hero, right?  He had everything – incredible talent as a pro-golfer (still has it), gorgeous wife (who knows?), huge house (might sell it?), cute kids (yup!), MONEY, MONEY, MONEY.  Oh yeah, and more money (a little less if his wife divorces him and the pre-nup is settled).What is our obsession with Tiger Woods and ____? (The name of anyone else who’s been in the news lately for “personal” failings.  Fill in the blank… you can do it!)  He’s not the first guy to cheat and sadly he won’t be the last.  Was it hero worship gone bad?  Maybe – you know…fallen hero…we just all love to see someone who seems to be PERFECT go D..O….W…..N.

This, my friends, is one of our greatest flaws in our society and in our personal thinking today.  Tiger was never a hero for playing golf, or being a husband, or being a father.  What he had and still has is TALENT that many envy and companies were and still are willing to pay him a GAZILLION dollars to endorse their products because he could and can hit a tiny ball into a tiny hole.  I admit, this takes tremendous skill and I am certainly not one of those people who can do it successfully.  Okay, sooooo outdoor sports for me means walking from the house to my car… maybe an exaggeration – I do like a fine walk to the lake.

Sorry, where was I?  Tiger… got off track because, of course, this has to be about ME, right?  Me, me, me…

Here’s what I’m really thinking.  Envy does NOTHING to help our society, it certainly does nothing to help our CHARACTER, it brings misery into everything that we do and what we receive because it is NEVER enough.  When we envy others there is pleasure in seeing someone who is successful finally fail, there is whining and complaining, and never or rarely taking RESPONSIBILITY.  And you know what – I’ll dare say it… when you get wrapped up in envy, you end up a LOSER!

ADMIRATION.  When you admire someone, you deeply appreciate his or her talents, skills, personality, character, beauty – inner and outer – without any envy.  Admiration is healthy. It means that you will strive, drive, and thrive in an environment where you take that admiration and utilize it to be the best you that you can be.  Anyone who knows me will say hands down (or up) that I AM A HORRIBLE SINGER.  I’m so bad that some of my pre-schoolers covered their ears when I’ve sung songs in class.  (This had all of my BFF ROFL – and one practically had to sprint to the bathroom, she was laughing so hard…) So, do you hear ROCK star in the making??  I could envy all those who have better singing voices than me (so what if that’s practically the entire WORLD!)  Well, HELLOOO, I’d become a MISERABLE human, still with a LOUSY singing voice. Instead, I deeply admire those who can really sing.  Note to Loreena McKennitt – you sing like an ANGEL.  And Chris Daughtry – I ONLY LISTENED TO YOU A GAZILLION TIMES writing my first YA novel.  (Yes, this was much to the distress of my elder son who had to put up with the thousand repeats – AND LISTEN to my attempt at singing with you.  Do I know how to torture, or what?  Maybe my singing off tune could be an effective tool at bringing a criminal to confess?  Hmm… perhaps I should offer my services…)

Okay, seriously now.  Don’t envy others for what they have or because you don’t have it.  Instead, admire them.  Learn from them, emulate their best qualities, but BE YOU.  Take your talents and strive, drive, and thrive.  Push yourself to be your very best.  And when you think you’ve reached it, push yourself even harder.  Don’t do it for anyone else, but you.  Don’t step on anyone else to get where you want to go.  Be loving and kind.  Be a humble winner and a gracious loser.  LEARN, GROW, AND MAKE A DIFFERENCE.  Find fabulous MENTORS – people whom you can truly admire.  Individuals who will want to help you succeed, not for their benefit, but for the pure joy in guiding you to become the best you that you can be.  

Ben Azzai said:

“Do not despise anyone.

Do not regard anything as impossible.

There is no one without his hour.

There is no thing without its place.” 

Hugs!

SELF-MOTIVATION:

A POSITIVE ATTITUDE CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE

BY GUEST BLOGGER, RAVEN MAGWOOD

Teen Author, Motivational Speaker, Entrepreneur, and overall AWESOME TEEN

http://www.ravenmagwood.com/

As teens, we must learn to be positive with ourselves. If we aren’t, who will be? I would like for you to try something that I learned while at a youth program in California. Say the following aloud to yourself: “I am a ten. I walk like a ten. I talk like a ten. I get what I want when I want it, because I always do what I ought to do when I ought to do it. I’m healthy. I’m wealthy. I’m smart. I’m strong. I AM A TEN!” This may seem silly now, but when you repeat things to yourself over and over again, you will start to believe it. How do you think we get so many pathological liars (LOL). They lie to themselves over and over again until they actually start to believe what they are saying is true. So if we, as people, can flip this around and use this technique for something positive, we will start to become the things we speak. When you wake up in the morning, you have a choice – a choice to have a good day, a choice to have a bad day. A choice to say, on a scale of one to ten, you are a ten. Or maybe you’re just a four or a five. So I want you to say the following to yourself, but like you really mean it: “I am a ten. I walk like a ten. I talk like a ten. I get what I want when I want it, because I always do what I ought to do when I ought to do it. I’m healthy. I’m wealthy. I’m smart. I’m strong. I AM A TEN!” This shouldn’t stop here. Say this to yourself when you wake up in the morning, and start to make positive choices for yourself.

A note from Liza Wiemer: I “met” Raven Magwood when she started following me on Twitter.  I was impressed by her energy, positive attitude, enthusiasm, ambition, spirit, deep faith, and desire to help others.  She is truly a role model for teens and young adults.  But I think we can all learn an important lesson from her – take ACTION with whatever talents we may possess and utilize them to make a difference in this world.  We also can learn that if we don’t take a blind eye to those around us, then we can truly make a difference with simple ACTIONS – a smile to a stranger, a phone call to a friend in need, holding the door open for someone who needs help, or helping someone by shoveling snow when he or she may be unable to do so.  There are so many things that we can do that take little effort, but are incredibly rewarding.  Raven Magwood epitomizes an individual who takes ACTION.  She utilizes her positive attitude to change the world.  She doesn’t just say, “I can,” but “I can do it.”  Then she does!  The difference is ACTION!

When Raven utilizes the positive affirmation, “I am a ten. I walk like a ten. I talk like a ten. I get what I want when I want it, because I always do what I ought to do when I ought to do it. I’m healthy. I’m wealthy. I’m smart. I’m strong. I AM A TEN!” she is speaking about something so much greater than material gain.  She is speaking about what is truly valuable in life:  respect and self-respect, an appreciation for those around her, a wealth in knowing that she is achieving goals by doing her very best, and that our mind, body, and soul are healthy when we take ACTION with the talents we possess.  STRIVE, DRIVE, THRIVE!

Raven’s opening statement reminds me of a very important lesson that I learned and have passed on to my students.  It is a quote from Hillel:

IF I AM NOT FOR MYSELF, WHO WILL BE FOR ME?

BUT IF I AM ONLY FOR MYSELF, WHAT AM I?

AND IF NOT NOW, WHEN?

We would love to hear from you.  If you have any questions about Raven’s post or a question for Raven, please send it by clicking the ‘add comments’ button.  No questions, but a comment?  We’d love to hear from you too!