July 27th, 2009 by Liza Wiemer

Helpful Tip:

Don’t create problems where there are none.  Deal with the here and now.

If you answered yes to most of the fear questions, please read the following:

1. Are you afraid of change?
2. Is it easier to stay stuck in something you hate, then take a chance on something new?
3. Do you look at the negative possibilities first, and don’t think about the positive ones?
4. Do you worry about the “what ifs?”
5. Do you prefer others to make decisions?

Disclosure: First, a person needs to know there are “real” fears, and those created in our minds as excuses not to act on our personal goals.  If you have any anxiety, ill effects on your body, or find yourself incapacitated, please seek professional help.

Fears that affect your ability to accomplish goals and move forward in life:

1.  Are you stuck on the “what ifs” of life?  The key to moving forward is to clearly tell yourself that you have no control over the “what ifs,” only the here and now!  You can spend a lifetime worrying about what might be, and go no where.

People who worry about “what ifs” procrastinate.  Better to do nothing, than to fail.  But guess what, doing nothing is a choice and if it doesn’t give you what you want, then you certainly won’t be happy.

2.  Examine why you are afraid.  If someone hurt you physically, sexually, emotionally – it’s understandable and normal to be afraid when circumstances appear to be the same.  If you find someone treating you in this way – take back your personal power. No one has the right to hurt you.  Be motivated to use that energy to help others and help yourself.  Another individual doesn’t deserve to rob you of that control.  Take it back.  

3.  Sometimes an individual is more afraid to leave a horrible situation, than to stay in it.  Isn’t it amazing what abuse a person will tolerate? This is because the pain and fear of leaving is greater than staying with the pain and fear.  Anthony Robbins says (paraphrasing here) “A person seeks pleasure versus pain.  When someone faces pain in more than one choice, they seek the one that is the least painful.”

4.  The unknown can be terrifying. But you have the power to shape what will transpire.  Set clear goals for what you want.

Examples Situations:

1.  Your so-called ‘friend,’ Tina, makes fun of you in front of others, embarrasses you, puts you down.  You don’t say anything, because you don’t want a scene.  Yet, the situation is unbearable – you’re feeling horrible about yourself and are tired of being the brunt of the jokes.

Solution:  If you don’t stand up for yourself, no one will.  Start first by having a private conversation.  Point out the situation that was hurtful.  Clearly state your objective – “Tina, when you say, ‘Sue couldn’t get a guy if she was standing naked in front of him,’ it really hurts me.  Please stop embarrassing me in front of others.  If the behavior continues, Tina is clearly toxic and unhealthy for you.  Why would you remain friends?

2.  You are dating someone who puts you down, hurts your feelings, and puts pressure on you to do things you’re not comfortable with. Yet, you stay with this person.  Why??  Why would you think so little of yourself that you would stay with someone who makes you feel bad, or theatens to hurt himself/herself  or you, to stay together?  Fear of losing someone is clearly the wrong reason to stay together.

Solution:  Understand that you are not responsible for someone else’s happiness.  Everyone needs to take responsibility for what makes him or her happy.  Obviously, you can enhance a person’s joy in his/her life.  If a relationship is toxic, GET OUT!  You are not responsible for the choices someone else makes.  You deserve to be happy. Don’t give your power away to someone who doesn’t cherish you in a wonderful, special, positive way.

MANIPULATION is unacceptable.  Yet, often people stay in relationships because of it. If s/he threatens to kill him/herself let him/her know you care deeply, but will not be responsible for his/her choice. Loving someone does not meaning hurting the other person or hurting yourself through threats or bodily harm.   Absolutely contact police if someone threatens bodily harm.

Speaking to an adult/teacher/clergy may be helpful.

If you have an example of a fear situation with a solution, please share it with me.  I will consider posting it and you may remain anonymous.

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